I am not at Step Two. I’m not sure there’s a greater power that’s going to lead me to sanity.
I talked to my mother today…on the phone…and told her about my project. I said, “I’ve decided to start a project, so I’m quitting the internet for a month.” She said, “you’re quitting what for a month?” “The internet.” “Wha…why?”
Because I think…I think the timeline of a steady dissent into anti-social behavior runs parallel with the timeline of a steady uptick in FriendFace activity.
See…I love people watching. Find me outside Harvest on Market St. eating salad by the pound, and I’ll be watching people go by. Bars are good for this too as are subways and food courts. There is nothing more fascinating to me than watching Noe Valley moms push six year olds around in strollers or lost straight tourists from Kansas wide-eyed and bewildered by bears making out down at the local café - BearBux.
Now, late at night, when all the people are gone to bed, when I just really want to flop down into some comfy pants – what better way to people watch than by computer, except this time 1) there are words to hang themselves with 2) statistics and demographics about their redstate affliations 3) updates on which bar they’re completely tanked at, right that minute 4) sometimes…nudey pictures.
I absolutely adore knowing that my one of my neighbors has a spandex fetish. Love it! And I can ‘people watch’ people that I know!
Or atleast did know, at some point. That’s kind of the problem. On my FriendFace, I know everyone of those people. I have met them in person…all of them, but I haven’t hung out with them in while.
I’m a little terrified of people sometimes. That’s really the problem. Sitting down to talk with someone – face to face seems daunting to me. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if I say something completely stupid? What if I come across as completely social awkward? What if I spill my beer in my friend’s lap only to come back two minutes later and do it all over again? Shawn Hong (sorry).
FriendFace made all that easier. I could look, but could have the luxury of deciding just which least socially awkward, witty comment would compliment their “I’m eating a burrito’ update. It put in a filter so my neurosis wasn’t visible. It put in a filter so that everything that was seemingly ‘uncool’ about myself could be carefully removed – leaving nothing but Pure Awesome Logan.
But Pure Awesome Logan was like…the picture of a large order of fries – so stream-lined and carefully ordered in the box. The lighting was right, the colors vivid, the salt twinkling just so…but, y’know, when you finally pulled the bag open, it was nothing but a disordered mess, greasy with heavy overhead and a few pieces at the bottom.
Or that’s what I’m afraid of. So, while I was actively making an effort to meet new people (I had just deleted all of my online dating profiles.), I was keeping up with my friends by watering their FarmLands.
Pure Awesome Logan has to die. No amount of TMZ articles or carefully selected quiz results sharing will make me cooler in real life. I’ll do my best not to pick scabs in front of you, I’ll try not to smell. Most of this project is designed to challenge that anxious part of myself – the one that led to this debacle in the first place.
So, now what happens?
Today was day one. I don’t know what any of you are doing. And frankly, I’m a little uneasy about it. Are you getting your cat spayed tomorrow? Upload pictures you’re your first twenty minutes at Burning Man via your iPhone? Did you play MobSquabble?
I did eat dinner and people watch…real people, at a café. I talked to my mom on the phone. I tracked down the second step without Google.
It feels kind of like when I quit smoking. It wasn’t that the nicotine was driving me nuts, it was that I didn’t know what to do with the almost three hours of new free time. Free time that I wasn’t spending inhaling smoke. Now, new free time. Internet free free time.
Free time in which I’m not concerned that your power animal is an emu.
If you would like to talk to Pure Awesome Logan about this article, I'm available at antiochlogan@yahoo.com.
