You Can't Get There From Here

"When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.”  - Percy Bysshe Shelley

Last I left you, we were on the Red Stage - a solid pan, filled with litter, sitting on our toilet, making a Friday night drunken pee twice as difficult as it should be.

Well, we're back on the Red Stage.

Yes....back...on the Red Stage.

We were so proud of the babies!  They hopped right up on the toilet and took to the red tray as if it was what they'd been doing forever.

Coal's aiming problem was pretty well under control with the state-of-the-art-cd-cases-duct-taped-together-because-no-one-listens-to-cds-anymore.  Bean could care less about any of us as long as we gave her a spoonful of pumpkin and turn on the faucet for her to drink out of once in a while.

So, maybe we were over-zealous, so impressed with how great they had done, so maybe we jumped the gun a little, maybe, like a highschool freshman, we were just a little premature.

We moved to the Orange Stage.

We recorded the cat's reactions to this strange new tray:
 

Next: They held it.

For hours.

And then, they poo'd on the floor.

To be fair, poo is far more pleasant to clean up than pee.  Why?  It's not the smell.  They both smell.  Each definitely has their own, individual aroma.  It's that poo stays in one spot.  It covers...maybe three square inches on a really good day.  Pee, we have discovered, when held in for a number of hours, can cover a much larger territory more quickly that poo could ever hope to.

As if scientists, trying to test a theory, we sought to disprove that pee covers more territory for two days.

Our conclusion: we were wrong.  Pee always wins, particularly when the bathroom floor is just slightly slanted.

Both cats had near successes.  Coal did actually stand on the LitterKwitter once....to pee on the floor.  Bean got to the Kwitter while it was on the floor for a minute and actually managed good stance and good aim....and peed on the floor.  *sigh*

What now?

We went back to the red tray and everything has been fine.  Coal still needs a pee-barrier, but otherwise, no one seems particularly upset or injured.  In preparation to go to the orange tray again, we've cleared all the litter from the middle of the red tray hoping this will help them transition.  They're fine with that.  I may work on a way to rig the orange tray with some smaller holes to start with, so that we can work up to the one big one.

Vacation Count:

7 weeks

49 days
1176 hours

70,560 minutes

4,233,600 seconds

Oh Poo..What Have We Done?

Did you know that there is an entire forum devoted to LitterKwitting your cats?  It's mostly a forum about the disaster that LitterKwitting has been so far...

"My boys, Max and Sam have been stuck on the green stage and have a good week or so and then I come home to a ruined couch...or even worse i came home today, reached in the dryer to pull out my clothes and found them covered in a days worth of kitty mess (1 and 2). I have been trying so hard to be patient for about 2 months, with positive reinforcement as well as scolding if they make a mess but I just can't keep coming home to this :/ ....."

And

"Hi - my 6m old male Briman (Smokey) took to the LK reasonably well, within a couple of weeks he'd gone from red to orange and then, about 3 weeks later to green. He'd been using this for 3 weeks (gradually reducing the cat litter) with no problem at all and then, one night, one of our dogs got upstairs and peed on my bed (which is also where Smokey sleeps at night). I've washed sheets and duvets every day for about 10 days now!

Since then, Smokey has, unless I constantly take him and put him on the LK, wees and poos on the bed - including once when I was still in it!...."

Oh the fun we apparently have to look forward to...




So what has happened from 4/8 until now.  Well...we got the Kwitter pan up onto the toilet, and we're all delighted to see the babies are just fine with the new adjustment.  Leaping from floor to pot to take a poo has been no problem for our atheletic girls.

Well...sorta...

Okay, lets go back for just a second.  There are three trays to the LK:

• Red - a flat pan with now opening to get the cats used to going on the toilet and in a smaller target.  That's where we're at now.
• Amber - this pan has a small hole in the middle about the size of the bottom of a coffee cup.
• Green - less of a pan and more of an extended lip that can hold some litter.

All of the trays hold litter.  When you get to the green tray, you slowly start reducing the litter until they just don't need it anymore.  Theoretically, after that, you're all set and litter free.

We are on the Red Stage.

Somehow, our latest speed bump doesn't surprise me in the least.  Both cats are just fine w/ poo'ing into the direct middle of the pan.  In fact, you might be thoroughly impressed with their accuracy.  And Bean (shockingly) has not rebelled, nor has she deviated from her accuracy when she pees.

Coal though...

Coal is that cat that backs her ass into the corner of the box and goes.  You know that cat...the cat you bought the bigger litter box for because she doesn't know how tall she is, doesn't realize her cute little butt is up just high enough to hang over the side...  She is so well-meaning, so capable and actually, so correct.  And then, she pees on the floor.  It's sort of the exact opposite where we want things to be on the long term - cat in the box, pee outside the box.

And so it goes that Coal, on the LK, backs her cute little butt up right to the lid, all four paws completely and correctly in the litter...and then she goes - onto the back of the toilet and onto the floor - an uncute, kitty scented golden shower for the bathroom floor.  Oh Coal...you're so pretty.

In light of the above cats taking dumps in dryers and on beds while people sleep - this feels sorta like a minor positioning problem that we hope can be easily corrected with this state-of-the-art kitty re-positioning device:

If you're curious: it's four soft plastic CD pockets southernly duct-taped together and wedged between the red pan and the LK pan holding seat.

We'll see.

My personal philosophy on it all right now is that I don't want to start a fight with the cats - there's no need.    Coal and I are staunched cuddle-buddies.  The Bean and I have an uneasy truce that's more than two years old.  I don't wanna ruin either of these things over some poo'ing.  I mean, in reality, cat's poo'ing into the pot is completely ridiculous, and I'd rather this be a journey of fun, treats and hilarity than...well...a pissing match.

That being said, the other day, we discovered probably our biggest road block - VACATION.

Possibly June 11th - we'll be going on a much needed vacation - the whole house sans the kitten-fuzzes.
That's in 58 days. That's in 9 weeks.  And since you can only move at the pace of your slowest member...that means in two weeks, we've managed to train a cat to pee off the toilet and onto the floor.

This Ain't The First Rumble

So, a brief history on toilet training cats.  This is not the first time this has been tried with these two.  About four years ago, my co-conspirator and really, the mastermind behind this debacle tried a home grown method of toilet training his cats not unsimilar to the LitterKwitter.

He pretty much mimiced what we're doing now.  Since the litterbox was already in the bathroom, one step was already done.  From there, the put a box under the litterbox to elevate the existing litterbox until it was the same height as the toilet and finally, he put it on the toilet.

Then, ingeniously, I thought, he got a colander:

and dropped it onto the toilet seat so that the rim of the colander caught on the edge and created a cute, circular litterbox in the toilet.

The idea was then to carve out a small circle...little by little...until there was no colander left at all.

Seems sensible, right?

If you've picked up on my initial fears that Bean would be the problem child on the LitterKwitter voyage, this is where it dates back to.  All seemed to be going well and good until my teammate began to cut that tiny hole in the bottom of the colander.  What had been a smooth transition to awesomeness became a battle of wills that she would eventually win.  Bean rebeled.  She stopped pee'ing into the colander and started going in the bathtub drain, which was fine...in theory.  But then she started poo'ing in there too.  I'm personally impressed with her connection of drain systems, but while peeing might be fine, poo'ing in the tub is unacceptable. 

So, they put toys around the drain and taped the shower curtain shut.  With a little coaxing, she went back to peeing in the toilet, but began pooping behind the toilet.  Next to the toilet.  She pulled the shower curtain back and pooped in the tub again.

The final straw: Bean climbed into the 3rd roommate's backpack and peed all over a hundred dollar text book. 

The litter box was thus brought back and the text book replaced and the incident went down as a giant failure.

So why do this again, why now, why all this probably torture?  Because how awesome would it be to have toilet-poo'ing cats?!?!

VERY...VERY AWESOME

Toilet Trained Cat

Last that we left off, we had moved the litterbox back into the bathroom because Coal was hitting a few speedbumps.  Like we mentioned in the original post, she'll go along with just about anything...as long as you go slow.

So, after a few days with the litter box in the bathroom and no new accidents, we moved on...pulled the litterbox out and replaced it with the LitterKwitter. 

Surprise - no accidents.  You just gotta go slow.

Timeline Review:
3/31 - 4/2: Coal views office as giant litter box.
4/2 - 4/5: Litter box moved back into bathroom.
4/5 - 4/8: LitterKwitter replaces Litterbox - no accidents occur.

Next: Oh Shit...What Have We Done?

One Step Forward – Two Steps Back

So here’s how things have gone down so far.

We received the LitterKwitter, a set of colorful plastic trays that will gradually turn our cats into talented toilet poo’ers for the amusement of us, and all of our friends. Honestly, how could you not giggle when, while reading a good book, curled up on the couch – you hear the distinct “kaa’ploot” sounds of a cat poo’ing into a toilet.

So, the instructions say to gradually move the litter box through your house and into your spare bathroom over the course of a week. This means – move it out of it’s current room and then, slowly, a little bit each day – move it to the spare bathroom.

Just a little background, my teammate on this expedition is another Southerner…so, we’re in the habit of…viewing instructions as suggestions. Also…spare bathroom?!?! Phheehahhahah!

We took a look at our cats:

     

And decided they were smart enough to go from litter box here:

To LitterKwitter here:

We had good reasoning. See, Bean hates pretty much everyone. When strangers are in the house, she takes to actively screaming at them, hissing and sometimes slapping (albeit without claws) at the intruder. Coal is easily overwhelmed by strangers, preferring to hide under beds or in corners when there are new people, loud noises or when it’s especially windy outside. So…visitors mean that the cats usually get sequestered in a bedroom and their litter box gets moved in there with them. In fact, lately, to utilize the office more effectively, we moved the litter box into the living room, and then back to the office if we were having guests that the cats weren’t irrationally angry at or afraid of.

So, we thought – well, we moved the litter before. What’s wrong with moving it directly into the bathroom?

According to Bean – nothing. Shockingly…nothing.

According to Coal – everything.

=

In the LitterKwitter instructions, it was suggested that accidents not be punished, but rather ignored and successes be amply rewarded. So, we cleaned up the poo. Showed Coal where she was supposed to go again, patted her on the head, made gentle coo’ing noises and gave her a treat.

Results:

She peed mightily on our 3rd roommates motorcycle jacket…which was, unwisely, placed on the office floor.

So, here’s how the timeline has broken down so far:

3/31 – 4/2: We put down the Kwitter and Coal excitedly views the whole office as a giant litter box.

4/2: We remove the Kwitter from the bathroom and replace it with their standard litter box. Results: Everyone is ecstatic to have the litter box back…much pawing, scratching and poo’ing ensue.

If there are no accidents by Monday, we’ll try the Kwitter again.

Y'all Gotta Come See This!

So I haven’t posted in a while.

Here’s why: I quit the internet and that was all good. I had all this free time when I was surfing ManSpace or FaceHunt. When that month ended, I decided to do a project on internet dating. I didn’t even get a post into it.

Here’s why: Internet dating is hard work. Making an effort to be witty, charming and Southern is hard when I can’t use my hands or my accent. And people are terrified that you’re an axe murderer. After a few thoroughly edited emails, I would say something like, “Hey, you seem cool. Wanna get a beer?” – in a public drinking establishment in which you can easily scream for help. Something about saying: “Hey, wanna try this out in person.” seemed to really scare people off. So, with newly rediscovered distractions such as http://www.failblog.org/ and http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/, I failed utterly – utterly!

Also, axe murderers.

Reasons I failed to even begin to start National Novel Writing Month:

I need to be clear about something about myself: I suck at follow-through. Epic Suckage Actually.


Here’s why: It’s not because I don’t love you. Or that I was lying when I said, “I’m gonna….drive across the country on a scooter….become a wedding photographer….build and live in a mini-house - http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/.” I actually aspired to do all of these things. Some of them, I still plan on doing. It’s that…frankly…I have the attention span of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HiO9rzU_aw

The likelihood that I will consistently update this blog is…well…tiny…as you can see, but please know that…I think about updating the blog a lot.



So, now, a new blog project, that may or may not fly.



The Litter Kwitter!

http://www.litterkwitter.com/



Do you have a cat? Do you have more than one cat? Do your cats poo?



Ours do. Both of them poo. A lot. And as pet owners/caretakers/roommateofpeoplewhohavepoo’ingcats – we’ve had enough!



So, we’ve decided to embark on what could possibly be an impossible mission – train the cats to use the toilet via the Litter Kwitter.



We scoured the internet for the cheapest version of the Litter Kwitter we could find - $32.00. That way, if we fail, atleast we fail sorta on the cheap.

How it works:
Put contraption of trays on your toilet - making it look suspiciously like the one in my grandma's bathroom.

The multiple trays put together make one full tray.  You fill it with litter and when the cat is acclimated, you take out one of the trays leaving a little hole.  Gradually, you remove more trays, making a bigger and bigger hole until finally - you can take the whole contraption away and viola - no more gassy poo bombs in the middle of your TV watching!

Sounds simple right?  But let's consider what we're dealing with:

Coal

Pros: pretty, soft

Cons: dumb as a boot, gets motion sickness from windy days, loud noises and more than three bites of table food.

Tools: treat-treat and warm laps

Coal is pretty laid back when it comes to learning to do or not to do things. When she does something good – give her a treat, a pat on the head and a gentle coo’ing noise. She’s pretty good to go – as long as you go slow.

Bean

Pros: loves pumpkin (but not much else).

Cons: hates most everyone, only eats the dusty pieces of food, possibly has pica.

Tools: cat-nip, boxes, spoonfuls of pumpkin and turning on the faucet. Also – water pistols

Bean will be the tricky one. If she catches wind that we’re trying to be alpha-kitty and we’re trying to make everyone’s life a little easier – she’ll rebel and possibly decompensate from her uncheerful self, to what she used to be…

What now? We wait. The LitterKwitter is scheduled to be delivered in t-minus – one day.